My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
