still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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