my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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