i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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