I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Randomize
