can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
