I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
