i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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