she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
