For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
