Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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