So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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