it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
