I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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