I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
