I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
