either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
