i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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