I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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