but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
