I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
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I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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