im drinking this country out of the recession.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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