Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
