Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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