Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
