Your face is a jimmy john
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
