I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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