The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
