Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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