My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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