he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
