I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
