haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
