Four minutes until I can fart!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
