This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
