I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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