Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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