maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
