You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
