I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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