For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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