get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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