He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
