i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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