when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
