I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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