I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
