I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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