I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
