Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
