moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
