i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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