That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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