You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
