Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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