Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
