I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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