I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
