so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
