8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
