This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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